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Saturday, February 28, 2009

Random 5 a.m. thoughts from the hospital (some probably incoherent)

I am completely amazed at how well "the biggies" are doing without me. I think it was less than 6-7m ago they would wail in misery whenever I was out of their sight for more than 10 minutes, even if I was just in a different room. The last two days they were happy to visit me, but THEY were the ones telling Daddy it was time to go home. Much sooner than I was ready for.

The nurse just tried to take Benny off the oxygen. He almost did OK, then his levels dipped fairly low while he was nursing & dozing off. He is on just the tiniest bit right now. They suctioned him out right before that and couldn't get nearly as much out as they did at bedtime. That's good. His chest has a "little rattle" on one side and he's got a mean (but sporadic) cough tonight. But even the relentless-coughing-fit coughs sound much better than the coughs over the last few days. I am pretty sure they will send us home today. (The ped. kind of let me decide yesterday whether to go home or stay another night.)

It has not been the most restful night for me. (Go figure, given my location.) I was flipping channels last night and landed on Supernanny when someone came in to do something to the baby, so I went to the potty. I didn't hear/watch much of it, but I had to change the channel at the first available opportunity. It hit a tiny bit too close to home with the dad who was always on the computer while mom is left to take care of the kids solo. (It's not that mine doesn't help out... he is usually pretty good about helping when I ask... sometimes with negative comments, but he still does it. It's just that he could take more initiative about helping instead of waiting to be asked. Especially at bedtime. I am completely, despairingly weary from it.) That, and possibly the too-sweet apple cobbler I stupidly ordered for dessert, made me have terrible, terrible, awful dreams about giving him the boot. Oh, and probably something my BF said to me on the phone the other day about something that happened when she was here last weekend. And then I woke up very sad because, of course, I love him, in spite of his faults (and am thankful he feels the same about me, because if we started counting, I probably am sure I have more!), and would be devastated to try to live without him. Then I dreamed I left the biggies @ their co-op preschool class (so against the rules; mom or an appointed guardian has to be there at all times) and went to do something else, shopping or lunch with Daddy or something, and they got themselves into BIG trouble, and we got kicked out. Plus this stupid chair is SO not comfortable. I don't know if it is because I am too short, or just bad design, but if I move the slightest bit, it will pop out of its recline position. And of course the people coming in. They try to be quiet and not disturb you. But I would be mentally disturbed with myself if I didn't wake up when someone was sneaking around that close to me. So I always wake up. (At least I *think* I always wake up. But really, how would I know if I didn't? Hmmm...) Anyway, it has not been a restful night. At all.

I am seriously looking forward to, but at the same time dreading, a trip I'm planning to take in Apr/May. Sammy's godfather is getting married in VA. Daddy has work obligations and can't make the trip at the same time with us, whether we fly or drive. I decided that driving 3 kids across the country, given that I have lots of places to stop along the way if I take a southern, circuitous route, is a lesser evil than trying to fly across the country with 3 kids + 3 car seats and only 2 arms (and at least 1 plane change). Plus if I drive, I can go see Misty & John and a bunch of other cool people up in MD after the wedding.

It was Friday yesterday, and I managed to forget and eat meat at all 3 meals. Despite realizing my mistake after both breakfast AND lunch, and thinking "Well, at least I will remember the next time." I am really not firing on all cylinders here...

Speaking of Lent, I have not once successfully gotten up earlier than the rest of the family to spend quiet time in prayer, like I hoped/intended. Of course, this probably has a lot to do with being woken up by a crying infant 10-20 times per night since Lent started. And yet here I sit, having wasted the hour since the nurse woke me up, on the computer, instead of praying. (I think I might need *you* to pray for *me*...)

I signed up for Twitter yesterday. It is not nearly as cool as Facebook. Judging from the dates of the last posts of the friends I found on it, it would seem that a lot of people agree with me on that one.

I had been thinking for the past week or so I might have a touch of PPD. I didn't feel sad, so much as apathetic. About everything. But that is not a feeling I normally have. I'm usually pretty passionate, one way or the other, about nearly everything. Plus my hubby has been asking me 20 times a day lately, "Are you doing OK?" I thought maybe he knew something I didn't. Now I'm thinking it was just illness and sleep deprivation. Oh, and the sad, sad, messy state of the house, which nobody but me seems to care or want to do anything about. (So weary. Very, very weary!) But... you might want to keep an eye on me, just in case I'm wrong about that.

I have finally figured out the advantage to having an MP3 player separate from my phone - you don't get your songs (or talks, in my case) interrupted by phone calls. Now I want an iPod.

As much as I hate hospitals, this has not been a terrible experience. He really needed to be here; the oxygen and wall suction helped him so much. The food has actually been pretty good. They give me vouchers for meals, since he is a nursing infant. The nurses & techs have all been very nice. The room is so very not cluttered. (So, so weary!) Also, I have figured out what I really hate about hospitals, is the sickly antiseptic smell. I associate it with death, since all my childhood and young adult hospital experiences involved visiting extremely sick, usually dying grandparents. And this one, thankfully, doesn't have the smell. (Perhaps 20 years later, the original ones don't either. I don't know. But I still hate them!)

I am feeling like pond scum for not getting thank-you notes out yet. And yet, how can I even get downstairs to make them when there are always dirty dishes; filthy floors; 1-3 diapers needing changed at any given moment; laundry or diapers that need washed, dried, or put away; another meal that needs cooked; a 3' stack of mail to go through; a book that needs to be read because I'm the only one who can read 100% of the words... (Although, really, Sammy is starting to read a LOT of words these days! But with reading, like most other things, he lacks self-confidence in his own abilities and wants Mama to do it for him.) I can't do it all, and I am so, so, so weary. I have to admit, I was actually glad to come to the hospital, just to have a bit of respite from the mess and responsibilities. Or maybe not so much the responsibilities, as the lack of adequate time to actually take care of all the responsibilities.

Okay, that was probably about 5000 more words than I *should* have shared. But thanks for letting me get that off my chest.


Mommy to Ander and Loki said...

Another blessing: Daddy has proven, beyond a doubt, that he can manage the big kids and they are happy with it. So now he can take over the nighttime routine and make it "Daddy's thing."

I don't know how you do it. Alan does so much. I don't give baths and I don't fix Ander's supper and I don't read the books. Oh, the stuff I do, Alan screws up most times he tries (like packing a diaper bag with actual diapers in it...LOL). But the stuff he does, he does well, and Ander doesn't want me to do it!

Have you offered up this blog as a prayer today? It sounds like a prayer. And God never said we couldn't turn to our friends in prayer. I think He'd approve.

Kerry said...

I agree that it sounds like a prayer to me. Many times I come to my (sadly neglected) blog to spew forth the thoughts residing in my brain and find that, while not conventional and possibly not wise, many MANY good things start to appear in my otherwise crumbling sad life (or so I tend to feel it is...really my life is good - especially when you compare it to other parts of the universe).

I had many problems with Mike not stepping up to help with Zachary...once Zachary detached himself from my chest and noticed (around 13 months) that he HAD another parent. Mike wants to be the "fun Dad" since he's hardly ever home...but he is wonderful at the times he is home (now). We started with making weekends "Daddy Days" where Daddy gets him up from the crib and changes the first diapers...then feeds him breakfast and plays with him exclusively for the morning hours. Some days they both let me sleep a bit more, others I get online and "ignore" them. I've gotten a lot of things done having the little one occupied in such loving capable hands.

My wish list is still full of "why can't you EVER give him a bath" and "why can't you EVER put him down for a nap/bedtime without ME having to do the actually laying down/covering up parts"...but I try to keep it in perspective and know that the time they spend outside raking leaves and piling up sticks is such wonderful important time. They are together and they are happy...and they CAN do many many things without my intervention.

I'll keep you in my prayers that you are able to make the trip and that everything works out for it to be enjoyable for you all. I'm slightly worried about traveling 1200 miles (twice) alone with Zachary but I really think he's getting big enough that he'll make a good travel buddy this time.

Marie said...

You are with a newborn in a hospital. You need to find something to "do" for Lent? When I was very pg with Felicity I waddled to Fr. to ask for a dispensation from fasting on Good Friday, and almost quicker than I could ask he assured me that fasting and abstinence are waved for preggos and nursing moms. Even now I can hardly stand to go without meat for 24 hours, but in those days I would have died.

Weary is such a hard way to be. Be gentle with yourself, and be direct about your needs. Sleep WILL come and it will help.

Mathochist said...

Thanks for the responses. Sometimes it helps clear my head just to write it down/type it out.

Not that I think a blog can't be a prayer... but that is not the kind of prayer habit I'm trying to cultivate this Lent. I want to (re)find the relationship with God where I do much more listening than talking. And spend more time being more present instead of just with my words/thoughts.

I knew that fasting was waved, wasn't sure on the abstaining. Thought I'd try to do it anyway, as another sacrifice. (It's exceptionally hard for me because I'm intolerant to most vegetable forms of protein, and with the PCOS I should always balance my carbs with proteins. Which IMO just makes the sacrifice mean that much more.) It only works when I remember to do it, though! (Doh! It's Friday again, isn't it?)

I am feeling much better this week. It's amazing what enough sleep and being on the back-side of an illness will do for my attitude! I also got an unexpected, rather welcome block of time to myself last night as DH bathed the biggies while the baby slept and I was on my computer. It happened on a good day, too, because I was rather worn out mentally from cleaning up poopy messes off bottoms and out of carpets a large portion of the day.